Welcome to Midweek Madness where this week, Bobby is on vacation GOD KNOWS WHERE (JK, he’s sleeping outside Rita Ora’s house), and I forgot to get access to his scanner and was forced to beg my office mates to help me scan a photo of Elle Fanning standing shoeless on an escalator.

Life & Style

Have you heard of an obscure NBC sitcom called Friends? I sure haven’t, but Life & Style is STOKED about a scripted cast reunion that’s supposedly (not really) going down. Not only that, but they’re dragging out all the old dirt about the cast. Are you riveted? Good! I’ll keep going! There were CAT FIGHTS! (Courteney Cox and Jennifer Aniston were closer with each other than they were with Lisa Kudrow and they all handed this like adults. What a blowout!) Also Matt LeBlanc was crazy about Jennifer during the first season, but she thought he was a meathead womanizer and was more interested in…David Schwimmer! Why? Because “she thought David was smart and great-looking.” Jennifer Aniston caught between a dumb playboy and a handsome nerd? Call Jennifer something like, I don’t know, “Rachel” and call David and Matt—pulling these names off the top of my dome here—“Ross” and “Joey” and it could almost be a plot in the 10th season of a widely adored television show!

Kylie Jenner is pregnant with a little tiger cub! Ready to read the grossest sentence of the day? Her boyfriend Tyga only “uses condoms occasionally.” WRAP IT UP, MY MAN. And now for the saddest sentence: Kylie doesn’t use birth control because she thinks it will make her fat. But that’s not even the real news! (Because it’s all fake news.) Kylie and Tyga also broke up because he’s texting with Blac Chyna, mother of his child AND mother of Kylie Jenner’s brother’s child. All normal!

Here’s one for all you Fixer Upper yuppers out there: Chip and Joanna keep bragging about their rescue dogs, but one of them—turns out—has bitten two people, one a child and the other a delivery woman. The real fixer upper? That dang dog! Take it to puppy school, ya home improvement nut jobs!

In Touch

As the divorce and custody battle between Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt heats up, Brad is getting ready to bring out the big guns, i.e. a series of widely available public interviews Jolie did about her mental health in 2001. “Brad is formally in the process of getting Angelina’s psych records from when she was hospitalized at UCLA [where she was placed on a psychiatric hold 15 years ago],” says an insider. Brad’s goal, according to the mag, “is to get his kids back with as little collateral damage to the family as possible.” Calling the mother of his children crazy is certainly one way to do that.

There are a lot of makeups and breakups in In Touch this week: Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian are being urged to wed in a joint wedding (how very Pride and Prejudice of them!) with Khloe Kardashian and Tristan Thompson in order to get the ratings of Keeping Up with the Kardashians up. No thanks! Orlando Bloom and Katy Perry broke up because LADY WANT BABY. Did you know that Tony Bennet met his wife while she was still in utero? Now you can never not know it! Also, Miranda Lambert is about to drop a breakup album about Blake Shelton and industry insiders say that it’s both very good and will make Gwen Stefani blush. YOINKS!

OK!

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are actually fine! So fine, in fact, that they’re sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner as a family. Their newfound harmony is all thanks to their child Shiloh who emailed them with a “heartfelt plea,” “begging Brad and Angelina for weeks to start being nice to each other.” A fun lil tidbit: “While Angelina has hired caterers to prepare the sides and appetizers, the source says Brad insisted on bringing the bird. ‘He wants the kids to feel like it’s the old days, like they’re a family again.’” Classic Brad!

Prince Charles doesn’t like Prince Harry’s new girlfriend Meghan Markle, not one bit! “Prince Charles is far from convinced that a divorced actress with no aristocratic background is the best match for his younger son,” says a royal source. Yes, because until now, the British royal family has been the epitome of class and not an adultery-and-scandal-riddled cesspool of inbreeding.

Ashley Olsen is all about her 58-year-old boyfriend Richard Stacks and this headline about them (fig 1.1) is very funny and very mean! Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ Lisa Vanderpump had to block former cast member Brandi Glanville because she “wouldn’t stop calling to make amends,” i.e. trying to get back on the show. Guess who was caught K-I-S-S-I-N-G? Amber Heard and Cara Delevingne! Is it weird that they have near identical hair? IDK.

Star

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are back together and just renewed their vows. I don’t believe this, but even if it is true, who friggin’ cares?! These two are boring!

Less boring, this photo of Elle Fanning standing barefoot on an escalator (fig 2.1). Is she TRYING to lose a toe??? Certainly seems like it. Bella Hadid is supposedly in a weight war after people on Instagram said she was too thin to be a model for Nike. But as her mom Yolanda Hadid points out, Bella could have been an Olympic…equestrian, so case closed!

Is that it from Star? I guess so because all the other stories have been covered already. Starry to say, it was a real boring week.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE!

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